hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need to sanitize my soul.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
