If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
