I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
