You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
