I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Welp...herpes.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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