Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
