One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
