I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
