her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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