stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
