I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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