Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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