You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
