Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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