I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
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