And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
