you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
