My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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