new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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