Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
