you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize