I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
