First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
