The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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