I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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