Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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