I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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