he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
