so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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