you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
