You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
