I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
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