I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My bed smells like the plague
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
