Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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