I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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