After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
