I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize