I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
