I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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