I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My penis needs a shock collar
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
