Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
