I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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