My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize