I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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