So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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