Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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