just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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