Taylor Swift is so right about you.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
