Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
