Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
