I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
