im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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