I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
