The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
