dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
