I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So many bounce houses so little time
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
