chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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