I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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