Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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