My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
