Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
