so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize