Pappa wants mamma naked
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
