i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
