did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
