looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
