upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
