They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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