were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We have started to decorate penises.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
