i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
