Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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