sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
