Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
