My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
