Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
