i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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