i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
