I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
