my sisters under your porch take her home
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
